The Suffering in Compassion

   It was a month ago I started this blog as a part of my learning about compassion. By thinking and writing about compassion I was sure I would gain more insight into the phenomenon. I wasn’t expecting overnight miracles, but a slow progression of education through immersion.

   Over the last month I have written about a wide range of topics having to do with compassion. But the one I have shied away from until now is the not-so-feel-good part of the definition of compassion: suffering.

   The accepted definition of compassion is to recognize another’s suffering and feel moved to relieve that suffering.

   I, like most people I know, don’t enjoy feeling uncomfortable. Recognizing suffering flies straight in the face of that dislike.

   Acknowledging suffering causes inner turmoil, disquietude, and feelings of inadequacy. It forces me to see injustice, unfairness, and powerlessness. I am faced, head on, with my own imperfect humanness, and my inability to “fix” anything.

   As an adult in the midst of a mid-life career readjustment, these are feelings and sensations I have worked for many decades to bury. After all, how does one become a successful anything by wallowing in negativity?

   Except, in order to truly engage in feeling compassion, I must also accept that the coin has two sides.

  The world both is and is not a beautiful place. People both are and are not good. Social systems both do and do not help people in need.

   Compassion is not for Pollyannas.

   I recall a quote shared with me years ago: “The increase of wisdom is the increase of sorrow.”

   In light of compassion, this quote reveals to me that as one gains the ability to help others, one sees more clearly the suffering of others.

   Edith Wheeler Wilcox wrote: “Laugh, and the world laughs with you; Weep, and you weep alone; For the sad old earth must borrow its mirth, But has trouble enough of its own.”

   This reminds me that, while I see the suffering around me I should guard against becoming part of the problem.

   And this is where taking action to relieve the suffering of another becomes the antidote to the ailment.

   Helping others has been shown to have a protective quality, as long as one takes care of their own needs as well.

   Counter to the “compassion fatigue” and “self-compassion” advocates, I see that both of these camps arise out of placing other’s needs ahead of and to the exclusion of self care.

   In order for the two-way street of compassion to work, one must not only see suffering, but allow one’s self to engage in both the shared suffering AND the movement out of suffering.

   Like Plato's parable of the cave: we are only trapped in the dark for as long as we allow ourselves to stay there. Being led, or leading another, out of the darkness results in the same thing for both the leader and the led: We are both now in the light.

   And so I begin to see the faintest glimmer of understanding when my teacher speaks of “sitting with suffering”. It is not about taking the suffering on as my own, but to know the suffering of another so we may BOTH walk together out of suffering.

   No one can show the way, unless they have been there too.

~*~

   For more about compassion, go to: www.CompassionSpace.com.

Practicing Simple Compassion

   In a class I'm taking on counseling techniques the last couple of weeks we have been practicing the skills of beginning a counseling session with a new client. The practice is also called intentional interviewing.

   The techniques are very similar to those used when simply talking to a friend: attending behavior, open ended questions, and paraphrasing/reflecting.

   Even in the five-minute “practice” sessions we do with our fellow classmates, I see that we are practicing compassion.

   It’s not so much the techniques themselves that constitute doing compassion (although they are useful tools) but what arises in the space between the interviewer and the pseudo-client.

   Each of the interviews starts out a little awkward. After all, we’re all new at this and feel a little uncomfortable in this chaotic classroom setting.

   But after the first 30 seconds or so, the real caring comes out from behind the “uneasy student” mask, and you can see the change in the dynamic between the interviewer and the interviewee.

   A simple question like: “What’s on your mind today?” leads to an outpouring of concerns, worries, or troubles.

   The student counselor recognizes suffering (the first step of compassion) and responds, “It sounds like you’re under a lot of stress, and worried too?”

   A brief flash of something like relief passes over the face of the pseudo-client. Relief that they’re being heard? That they’re not alone? That someone acknowledges their suffering?

   The back and forth continues with the student counselor asking questions, showing concern, delving into the pseudo-client’s feelings and details of the situation.

   “What could be one solution to this?” The student counselor asks. This is acting to relieve suffering, the second component of compassion.

   By listening to another’s concerns, and asking if they have any thoughts on how to move past the current blockage, they are – in essence – helping the other person look for a way out of their suffering.

   After a brief five minutes, a simple act of caring, and a few questions to elicit concerns and goals, a room full of people have practiced or received acts of compassion.

   To generalize out of the classroom, as compassionate beings it is not necessarily our job to relieve another’s suffering, but to “take action” to help relieve another’s suffering. And in the case of simple conversational compassion, just asking if the other person has thought of any solutions can be the most compassionate thing we can do.

   As we learn and develop compassion, it is a process of seeing what we already know how to do, and looking for new ways to apply those skills.

   Being compassionate isn’t something new that we’re trying to learn -- rather something that is innately part of who we are as humans. The challenge is learning how to intentionally engage that compassionate part of our being in our daily interactions with others.

~*~

   To read more about compassion, go to: www.CompassionSpace.com.

Proactive Compassion?

   In a discussion with friends recently the concept of Proactive Compassion came up: acting to prevent suffering.

   I’ve been thinking about this concept for a number of days now and, while I haven’t come to any concrete conclusions, I do have a number of thoughts.

   Let’s say I see someone about to step off a sidewalk and notice a bus coming at them. I reach out and grab their arm and keep them getting struck by the bus.

   That would be an example of Proactive Compassion because I am preventing the suffering of the pedestrian (and the bus driver too).

   But not all acts of preventing suffering are as cut and dried.

   What if I am concerned about a friend’s alcohol or drug use? I have seen what happens to people who end up addicted and the destruction it causes in their lives and those of their family.

   I could talk to the family members and explore the idea of committing the addicted friend to a rehab facility. At first glance that may appear to be the way to prevent suffering, but would it? With drug and alcohol addiction, people rarely recover successfully if they are doing it for someone other than themselves.

   Not only that, but, committing someone involuntarily to an institution infringes on their right to self-determination.

   And the concept of self-determination is where “proactive compassion” gets hung up.

   The moment that I start imposing my ideas of right and wrong, or healthy and unhealthy, on someone else, I need to start examining my own motivations.

   Am I doing this for them – to prevent their suffering – or am I doing it for me (to make me feel good about myself as a hero)?

   What about in the case of crime? Let’s say I have been the victim of a theft. The police got involved, but they were unable to gather sufficient evidence to prosecute the criminal. I feel the desire for retribution and revenge, but know that I would get arrested if I got involved in vigilante justice.

   So I decide I am concerned about future victims of the person who harmed me. I could put up posters to inform others of this person’s bad acts and, if I wasn’t sued for defamation or libel, I may be able to convince myself I am helping to prevent the suffering of potential unknown victims.

   But am I really? In this instance it appears as if I am still acting out of my anger rather than a true concern for others. I still am more interested in hurting the perpetrator than helping any imaginary victims.

   These scenarios are useful mainly in illustrating the importance of honestly assessing motivation. Any time I act in a way that affects another person it is important to evaluate my motivation.

   Am I more concerned about my feelings or someone else’s feelings?

   Do I need to impose order and control my environment to make me feel safe?

   Using self-interest to justify compassion is a slippery slope, unless the benefits to the suffering individual outweigh the benefits I may experience.

   While the idea of practicing compassion has much to commend it, the practitioner must also take responsibility for their actions, as well as the motivations behind those actions.

   Compassion must never be used as an excuse for taking away another’s rights, because doing that, even if I don’t agree with a person’s actions, is not compassion but oppression.

~*~

   For more on compassion, go to: www.CompassionSpace.com.

Who Practices Compassion?

   My search engine’s Compassion alert provides me with between 30 and 45 news stories, web links, and blog posts every day that open a window on the world of Compassion.

   One interesting part of getting this alert is to see the threads of compassion that run through our society.

   This one e-mail at the end of every day connects me with many different lives of people practicing compassion and making a difference.

   So who are all these people out there putting compassion in the news?

   National Public Radio writer Michele Kayal talked about delivering warm cinnamon rolls as an act of compassion for a friend whose dad had just died  (http://www.npr.org/2011/10/04/141013068/showing-compassion-through-the-gift-of-food).

   Friends, neighbors, and complete strangers are delivering food, building supplies, and other necessities to a town in South Africa that was ripped apart by a tornado, definitely an act of compassion (http://www.iol.co.za/news/south-africa/free-state/ficksburg-victims-overwhelmed-with-compassion-1.1150558).

   A group in San Jose, Calif., is hosting a “Taste of Compassion” with a well-known area chef to raise money to help fight homelessness and hunger (http://events.mercurynews.com/san-jose-ca/events/show/217198364-taste-of-compassion-presents-winchester-chef).

Oklahoma schools are supporting “Rachel’s Challenge” anti-bullying campaign, which gains its name from a 17-year-old girl killed in the Columbine school shootings, who wrote in her journal: “I have this theory that if one person can go out of their way to show compassion then it will start a chain reaction of the same,” (http://westminster.patch.com/articles/national-anti-bullying-assembly-coming-to-carroll-county-schools-9ed5e3ec).

   A Canadian 17-year-old decided that thinking she was compassionate was different from being compassionate, and organized fundraisers to help with famine relief in East Africa, gleaning $1,100 toward the cause, (http://www.langleyadvance.com/Hunger+prompts+student+help/5498263/story.html).

   A Washington state community just finished a $380,000 renovation to their local Boys & Girls club that serves 250 at-risk youth in the area, which the local newspaper called “a community of compassion,” (http://www.theolympian.com/2011/10/03/1823541/boys-girls-clubs-illustrate-a.html).

   And these few articles represent just a sampling from the last two days.

   It's enough to give one hope.

   Everywhere, around the world, people are helping, caring, reaching out, and doing what we are designed to do: recognizing the suffering of other humans, and act to relieve that suffering.

~*~

   For more on practicing compassion, go to: www.CompassionSpace.com.

Reconceptualizing Compassion

   One thing that has occurred to me in writing about and speaking with others about Compassion is how many misconceptions and preconceptions people place on Compassion.

   One quote I found illustrates this quite well:

       “Sometimes we think that to develop an open heart, to be truly loving and compassionate, means that we need to be passive, to allow others to abuse us, to smile and let anyone do what they want with us. Yet this is not what is meant by compassion. Quite the contrary. Compassion is not at all weak. It is the strength that arises out of seeing the true nature of suffering in the world. Compassion allows us to bear witness to that suffering, whether it is in ourselves or others, without fear; it allows us to name injustice without hesitation, and to act strongly, with all the skill at our disposal. To develop this mind state of compassion ... is to learn to live, as the Buddha put it, with sympathy for all living beings, without exception.”

       - Sharon Salzberg, 1952, author, meditation teacher

   The first point Salzberg brings up is the “passivity” misconception. Compassion is not about being a doormat.

   Salzberg points out that Compassion is about finding the strength to face suffering, to be a witness to suffering, and to be fearless. She calls upon us to be warriors by naming injustice.

   Her description of Compassion is anything but weak.

   Another quote that serves to sweep away misconceptions about compassion looks at our perceptions of ourselves from an historical context:

“To be hopeful in bad times is not just foolishly romantic. It is based on the fact that human history is a history not only of cruelty, but also of compassion, sacrifice, courage, kindness. What we choose to emphasize in this complex history will determine our lives. If we see only the worst, it destroys our capacity to do something. If we remember those times and places -- and there are so many -- where people have behaved magnificently, this gives us the energy to act, and at least the possibility of sending this spinning top of a world in a different direction. And if we do act, in however small a way, we don't have to wait for some grand utopian future. The future is an infinite succession of presents, and to live now as we think human beings should live, in defiance of all that is bad around us, is itself a marvelous victory.”

- Howard Zinn, 1922-2010, historian, author, activist

   Zinn asks us to look at ourselves in our entirety, and in terms of our capacity for compassion despite the negativity we may observe in the moment.

   By observing our human capacities in context, rather than compartmentalizing the parts of daily life that serve to demoralize and disenfranchise, we can have hope that the small acts of compassion – in the moment – can have long lasting impacts.

~*~

   Today’s quotes were gleaned from: http://www.wisdomquotes.com/topics/compassion/.

   To read more about compassion, go to: www.CompassionSpace.com.

Compassion, Sympathy, or …?

   Because the term Compassion is so frequently used in a trivialized way, it is often mistaken for Sympathy, which leaves people confused about what to do.

   Sympathy means to “feel with”, as in “I feel sorrow with you for your father’s death.”

   Compassion, however, is more involved. It means to feel another’s suffering, and be moved to relieve that suffering. An example is when someone trips and falls, and I know how it feels to trip and fall, and I reach out to help the person back to their feet.

   Sympathy requires no action. Compassion involves action.

   I was asked recently how to develop compassion for a person who had wronged them. My first thought was the question is inside out.

   Who is suffering in this instance? It is the wronged person who is suffering, since the “doer” may feel no regrets for their actions.

   (Except from a metaphysical perspective, the “doer” may be hurting others because they are suffering. But it is possibly beyond the scope of the injured party to attempt to relieve that person’s suffering without risk of being further damaged.)

   So how does a suffering person act to relieve their own suffering?

   Often times the first response is Anger. The next response is often Revenge. But neither of those responses corrects the problem, and most likely result in more suffering on both sides, and so the cycle begins again.

   (It is said that Resentment is a poison an individual takes hoping another person will die.)

   It’s hard to feel Sympathy for someone who has cavalierly caused me suffering. In fact, I may not have any kind of “feeling with” that person at all.

   What about Compassion then? Unless I am willing to set aside my own suffering, and reach out to the other person and find out how they are suffering, it is not possible for me to help relieve that suffering.

   That means I would have to place myself, the victim, and my pain and suffering in a position of less importance than the suffering of the person who wronged me.

   Now, that scenario would be the highest level of compassion. But most of us aren’t Ghandi or Mother Theresa, and find it difficult to surrender our pain in exchange for relieving another’s suffering.

   Instead, philosophers and theologians suggest an intermediate course of action: Forgiveness.

   The Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minnesota has an online article that defines Forgiveness as: “… a decision to let go of resentment and thoughts of revenge.” Further, it involves letting go of grudges and bitterness (http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/forgiveness/MH00131).

   The article’s author adds: “Forgiveness doesn't mean that you deny the other person's responsibility for hurting you, and it doesn't minimize or justify the wrong. You can forgive the person without excusing the act. Forgiveness brings a kind of peace that helps you go on with life.”

   But what does Forgiveness have to do with Compassion?

   The author of the article says: “Forgiveness can even lead to feelings of understanding, empathy and compassion for the one who hurt you.”

   Understanding may be as simple as saying “We are all imperfect human beings, and they may not have learned healthy alternatives for behaving.”

   The empathy piece is akin to sympathy, recognizing that I can possibly relate to their plight, and acknowledge that I have probably acted badly in my life and caused other people pain, too.

   But what about Compassion? After I have forgiven the other person for wronging me, maybe I can see more clearly how that person’s suffering caused their actions. Maybe there is a way I can help relieve their suffering, and help them remove their reasons to hurt others.

   Of course, this isn’t suggested as an all or nothing proposition. It is a highly preferable course of action with friends and family, but not so much with serial killers (at least if you’re just a compassion student like me, and not Jesus or the Dalai Lama).

   And that is why developing compassion is seen as a journey, and not a destination.

~*~

   For more readings about the different levels of compassion, go to: www.CompassionSpace.com.

Difficult Compassion

   Several classmates and I were having a discussion about the kinds of people we would find it challenging to have compassion for or to help.

   Because we are all students in a program for counseling psychology, we acknowledge that the important thing is to help people — so sharing our challenges, difficulties, and solutions is useful.

   I mentioned that I feel challenged when I see a parent treating his/her child cruelly in public. I recounted times I’ve seen a parent grab a child’s arm hard enough to leave red marks, jerking the child with all their strength, and screaming in their face. I’ve wanted to say something, but didn’t trust myself not to cause a scene.

    One of my classmates said she’d encountered the same type of situation. She described what she did.

   “I said to the mother, ‘Gee, it looks like you’re having a hard day.’”

   I commented that I thought that was a very compassionate thing to stay.

   That was the end of the school conversation, but I imagined what could have happened next.

   The mother may have suddenly realized she was over the top. Maybe she would feel guilt, or shame, or defensive, or all of these. Maybe she would get angry, or maybe she would start to cry.

   How far would I be willing to go? Would I be able to get over my selfish anger and be selflessly compassionate? Would I be willing to ask this clearly overwrought mother, “Do you want to talk about it?”

   What if she answered “yes”?

   These are difficult questions that I need to consider as I move forward into my future as a compassion practitioner.

   How far are any of us willing to go in being compassionate?

   It is difficult to suspend judgment, set aside our emotional reactions, and choose compassion as the action to take in a circumstance like the one described above.

   The compassion in the situation would be recognizing not only the suffering of the child, but also the suffering of the mother. By simply saying, “Gee, it looks like you are having a hard day,” my school friend was acting to relieve the suffering of both the child and the mother.

   Some compassionate actions result from difficult decisions, even though the actual act itself is extremely simple.

~*~

   To learn more about thinking and acting compassionately, go to: www.CompassionSpace.com.